This blog is developing some serious Sex and the City tendencies. Hey, I won’t lie: I wouldn’t mind drinking more cosmos. But I don’t really want to think of myself as a Boston version of Carrie Bradshaw; I just want to be me in all my uniqueness. But after reading this article, I couldn’t keep my feelings on the subject within the realm of my friends. So I’m going to rant about men for a little bit. Hope that’s cool. Oh and, uh, Dad and older brothers: you may want to stop reading now. Your choice.
Guys, and by guys I mean men (or boys, if your maturity level is still pretty low), I need you to do me a favor. Seriously, I never really ask you for anything. I dare a man to come forth and tell me what I’ve ever asked him for. Water, maybe. I think I may have asked a few guys for water, but that’s it. Knowing that, here is my simple request: when you are done with a girl, tell her. Do not simply stop texting her or responding to her texts to get the message across.
Did your stomachs drop? Good. That means you’re all human. However, it also means you’re a bit cowardly. Hey man, I get it. I’m that way too. I’ve never been able to a refuse a guy when he asks for my phone number because I just can’t stand to shut him down in person. I mean, if the guy is being an ass, then it’s pretty easy. But most of the time, I give it up like I’m being water boarded for secret government information. It irks me to confess that I have employed the ignore-the-guy’s-text-the-next-day tactic to get out of seeing him again if I am in no way interested. I repeat: if I am in no way interested. Since I want to practice what I preach, I considered texting some of those guys and truthfully explaining why I never texted them back. Those texts would look like:
“Hey, I know I met you almost two years ago, but I just wanted to officially let you know that while I’m sure some girl would love to hang out with you, I’m not interested. I had just graduated from college when you met me and was terrified of the real world, so much so that I had no desire to get involved with a man four years older than I. Plus, we didn’t really seem to have much in common in terms of values and interests. And you really should update your wardrobe because you dress like a Boy Meets World character.”
“Hey, sorry I never texted you back. I found it unattractive when you said, ‘Wanna make out just for shits?’ at the bar the night I met you. I know I didn’t turn that request down, which I’m aware gave you the impression that I was into you, but I wasn’t. I was drunk and trying to have an I-don’t-care attitude towards guys, but that’s not me. I should have been honest about that earlier on in the night. My apologies.”
Obviously, I never sent these texts for two reasons:
1. These guys don’t care that I never texted them back because I spent no more than two hours with each one
2. I refuse to provide anyone with a courtesy that I have yet to receive myself
Perhaps it’s my innate self-respect, but I refuse to be honest with men until any of them are honest with me. They have come close; I will give them that. I have heard, “I want to sleep with you,” –even, “I just want to sleep with you,”– but I want to hear the whole truth. I want to hear, “I just think you’re attractive and I’m a guy with needs and I’d really like to bang you, just tonight, just because it’ll feel good, just to say I did, and just get it out of my system.” Please, for the love of God, if that’s how you really feel about a woman, tell her. We aren’t all pinning Pinterest wedding boards and imagining what our kids would look like upon seeing you for the first time. A lot of young woman just want to get some men out of their system, to have fun, and to feel good for a night. If you tell us you don’t want anything serious, we won’t go all “crazy bitch” on you. We might say the exact same thing back. It’s when you hide your intentions and act like you’re into us (sometimes just to get us into bed) that we begin to ponder the possibilities of a relationship with you, and it’s how you crush us later on when you disappear without an explanation. You know when we’d like an explanation? Before we fall for you.
Think about it like driving. What happens if you stop short in the middle of a highway? Well, you’d cause a ten car pileup behind you. But if you hit the brakes slowly, your lights will come on, the car behind you will see it, prepare for it, and thus be able to stop when you stop, avoiding a car crash and maybe even saving some lives. Honesty is always best, guys. Let us know how you feel so we can avoid an emotional car crash. Plus, we worry about you when we stop hearing from you– not because we’re in love with , but because we’re human. I was once texting a [incredibly gorgeous] guy who wanted to meet me out one night. He suggested a bar to meet at and asked, “Thoughts?” I replied that the place sounded good and I’d meet him there. I never saw or heard from him again. Since he never texted me back, his hypothetical death was a possibility I could never rule out. To this day I still refer to him as “Dead Mike”.
The other reason I need men to simply stop responding our texts when they no longer want to see us is that it devalues whatever we had that you’re ending. Whether we thought it was something incredibly casual or not, no one wants their time with someone devalued in any way. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think it’s necessary to properly end anything that only lasted a night, because it’s easy to understand on the other end: he was drunk, woke up, realized he felt differently about me sober, and wanted to get on with his life. Ok. But when we meet a guy and he soberly texts us the next day wanting to get together, we assume that, without the clouded haze of intoxication, he is interested in us. Therefore, I’d find it practical, respectful, and simply kind to think about your actions. Ask yourself, “If the she were acting this way towards me, would I think she were interested in me?” If the answer is yes, let her know that you’re not and explain why. You may feel that you are hurting her, but that hurt would last briefly upon and shortly after hearing the news. But when you silently end things by failing to text her or respond to her texts, that pain last a lot longer. She may spend the next few months wondering what she did wrong. We hate the unknown. We hate it. Stop treating us like fragile china plates and just tell us why you no longer want to see us so we can move on to another guys. What? You think there won’t be another guy? Because there will be. Oh, man, will there be.
I’ve seen this too often, guys. I’ve seen it for years. And I realize girls do it too. Actually, I directed this entire piece towards men because I needed one pronoun to stick with — I’ll be damned if I have to use “he or she” throughout a nonfiction essay– and I’m a girl, so, men, I have to scold you for the sake of online literature. We are all human and we all possess the fear of hurting other people. However, we need to think about how it will affect the other person in the long run. It causes a lot of pain. It prohibits us from providing constructive criticism. Some people won’t care if their love interests stop texting them, but it will really bother others. Take my advice and listen when I say this: we get that men change their minds. Women do it too. But please, please, please, everyone: have that tough conversation and be honest with the other person. If not for you, then do it for the sake of your currently un-keyed car.
**If a guy I’ve been involved with in the past reads this and is thinking about texting me now, it’s too late. I’m already over y’all and would rather not relive the sting of your rejection. Ok, fine, Dead Mike, you may text me. I’m really curious to see if you’re still alive.